What does it mean to covet? To covet is to desire more than you are entitled to in regard to something else. The 10th commandment refers to goods, the 9th to spouses. To covet my neighbor's spouse is to yearn for a physical or emotional relationship with her that I am not entitled to have with her, not being married to her. Luckily, we can feel (if we want to) the difference between being attracted to another as a friend and being attracted as a real or potential lover. To covet is to walk, knowingly or unknowingly, any distance in the company of the latter feeling. Why does anyone? Because the feeling is so powerful and beguiling. It can take in even those who are "on the lookout," because the euphoric feeling can masquerade (to those who want it to be true) as "Christian love."
Dante's Divine Comedy sets out a theory of ordered and disordered love that offers an analysis and antidote. Dante emphasizes that to avoid coveting one must guard one's "threshold of assent." Purgatorio XVIII. In other words, we cannot assent to walk through the door and into the chamber of emotional or physical attraction. To cross that threshold leads to an ambiance of euphoric pleasure, of "falling in love" that can blind the reason to what is going on. Before too long you are not acting rationally, and you risk unravelling the bond of fidelity in your marriage that belongs exclusively to your spouse. Of course, the problem is that, like with any incipient addiction, it feels so good you can't (because you don't want to) walk away.
How does one who has crossed that threshold and walked down it any length, help himself? If the person you covet is virtuous, she can help you by putting a stop to the nonsense. But if she's caught up in the inordinate desire as well, the risk grows, threatening the ruin of both marriages.
Injecting formality, courtesy and distance into the relationship is a good antidote. Thinking of the person in the context of her own familial relationship is essential. This isn't about you, or you and her. It is about spouses and families, relationships much bigger than a solipsistic couple.
If you manage to pull in the reins after you've crossed the threshold of assent, what of your relationship? Can you put Humpty Dumpty back together again? Hard to know. Pope Benedict offers some hope. He believes relationships of love (eros) can be turned into relationships of caring (agape). There is a natural trajectory in that direction when persons try to embody what true love is: willing and acting for the true good of the other person.
Moral of the story: Walk with care near the threshold of assent!
