Paean to Motherhood

             A Daughter's Reflection

Ryan is a sweet boy, but he’s not a big cuddler. Certain conditions have to be met. He’ll sit on grandpas lap if there’s food involved (which there usually is). He’ll sit with Auntie Juli no matter what. And he’ll sit with me if I’m singing to him. I taught him that mama only sings if he’s resting his head on my shoulder. (Manipulative? Maybe, but a mamas gotta do what she can for some snuggles.) So each night we sit in his chair and I ask do you want mama to sing to you? He looks at me expectantly, and I start listing songs. When I get to the one he wants, he puts his head down. Usually after a few choruses he will sit up and gesture toward his crib and I put him down and off he goes into slumber.

But tonight he’s not feeling well and instead of gesturing toward his crib he’s signing more. Who am I to refuse this sweet boy a few extra cuddles? Soon he will be vying for some mama time with a little brother. And before long he won’t want to sit in his chair with his mama and be sung to. So we sang more verses of his current favorite, old Macdonald. Eventually we ran out of animals that you find on a farm and we resorted to other things that make noise, like buses, monkeys, and Ellie.

It’s such a bittersweet thing watching your children grow. I’m so amazed by him and how hard he works, and I rejoice in every milestone, or inchstone as some of

my fellow mamas who have kids with delays will say. But there’s a sadness in knowing that one day these moments will stop and be replaced with different, but amazing-in-their-own-way moments.

I want to always remember how he selects his bedtime songs at night. The weight of his little body on my lap, and his head on my shoulder. What his favorite songs are and how he giggles when I change the lyrics or sing parts of the song super fast. I want to remember how he sucks his thumb to the point of developing a little circle callous on his knuckle, and how he likes to wrap his blankie in his hand just so. These are just a few of the little things that make Ryan so adorably Ryan. It’s been such a joy and honor to watch these little quirks develop and I know it will be sad to watch them fade, but incredible to watch as he continues to grow and become even more his own person. 💙